Live from Atop my Fridge!

Sunday night, May 11th

I have not posted in almost a month and I feel like I have failed. I meant to do it, I did. And I have excuses – good ones even. I have no internet connection at home (except from on top of my fridge, don’t ask how I found that sweet spot, inconvenient though it may be…) and I work long hours (8:30-6:30 w/out lunches most days). The other and more relevant side of that truth is that I am depressed. The job I was so excited about is frustrating and only mildly fulfilling. I believe and will it to get better though. Its only been 6 weeks and in those much has happened that would throw even the most optimistic and centered staff for a loop (my boss quit, she is much of the reason I took this job) and I joined at a very hectic time and started with a 3 week deficit due to the fact that the person in my job before me decided to do little work during her last weeks…

But all this is only part of the story. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. By things that I wish were exactly reversed. Well, perhaps not exactly… I’ll explain:

I very much want to be in love and have someone be in love with me. I want these to be the same person (I can not tell you how often the opposite has been the case I have been the cause of many a broekn heart (I am told) and have spent many weeks mending my own several times over). I want to love myself (particularly my physical being, always the toughest part for me and a more prominent issue as I have no energy and little time to rectify this). I want to love my job. I want to have friends who ‘get’ me and who I want to spend time with and who feel the same. (I have a few of these but sadly they are not all in my current city). I want to like this damned city and I want to not have to worry so much about money.

I want a lot of things and I feel that I have worked towards many of them with a not insignificant amount of effort and yet I still feel (29 years later next week) that I am repeatedly coming up short.

OK, so I have my period, and yes my 29^th is fast approaching and no, I do not deny that these two factors are most likely contributing to my general malaise, but they are not the only trigger. I feel genuinely stuck and I am sad and scared and frustrated.

 

I want to be overwhelmed by someone (and feel good about it),I want to feel inspired by the city, by a book, by *something*. I want NOT to be overwhelmed by minutiae and work and negative body issues but I am not, and am very much so respectively and well, that just sucks.

So… all this by way of saying that when I need(ed) my Happy Moments experiment the most I have let myself down. (Great – add that to my recent list of failures…)

I’m starting again here and now.

I promised myself all week that I would splurge on the Sunday NYT and I did. I got the best espresso I could find and had 3 of ‘em while reading it. I bough a Leonard Cohen album on vinyl. I spoke to strangers.

A new list I just thought of starting. Things I did to self destruct today:

Bought a tub of chocolate ice-cream (can I blame Aunt Flo?)

Made an iTunes play list titled Love Songs for the Hopeful/less (Eek!)

Maybe typing these things out will help me stop doing them. Thoughts?

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