An Awkward Choreography

I was chatted up on Facebook by a guy I was friends with in high school and maybe, CEGEP… I still count him as a friend despite my better judgement because he is just one of those people that I know are with me for life.

So he writes me out of the blue and starts talking about when we last saw each other (1.5 years ago). We went for sushi then out to listen to music at some hipster joint. He asked me back to his place for wine & cheese (you can break that code on your own I imagine, I know I did when he said it) and I said “no”. I said no despite having been infatuated with him on and off for years. He reminded me of his offer, my reaction and then said he knew why I said ‘no’. He guessed wrong and then I told him what I have been holding back since I was about 18. I told him something I don’t think have ever told anyone. I told him this:

 

           I said “no” because the last time we were together you told me you loved me and I said ‘”Tell me that when you are sober” and you swore up and down that it was true and that you had always felt that way and that you would happily say it again the next morning, and the next morning you remembered nothing, and then you left and didn’t call me for over three weeks… Thats why I said “no”.

Then we had the following exchange:

9:22pm BOY

That morning… when I walked along somerled…

enraptured, but with a world of uncertainty in my head. and feeling…

unsure

which was my always feeling

and I like to step back to that day and call you back

but I didn’t

but why

9:24pm ME

nice to know

because you wernt interested

9:24pm BOY

I wasn’t

At the time, I was very negative

9:25pm ME

or because i wasnt the girl you thought you wanted

9:26pm BOY

that is one part of my personality i still don’t understand

I KNOW how much I like you

but,,,

I have a blank spot

9:26pm ME

knowing isnt feeling

much to many people’s dismay one can not make up for the other

9:27pm BOY

I look at the girls I loved on facebook

with their cool lives and trips…

and feel left out.

Why don’t you call me back?

After I fuck you over?

I still ask that despite the obvious.

And feel alone.

But hey, i dont’ want to be morbid.\

9:29pm ME

there is no point looking back unless you plan on learning something

9:29pmA BOY

WE all had weird problems when we were younger.

I think being 31.

9:29pm ME

had? still have. me anyway

is today your birthday?

9:30pm BOY

September 14

Let me say something hollow sounding but true.

9:30pm ME

and dont worry about being morbid. its nice to have a real conversation

ok…

9:31pm BOY

OK agree… you won’t click off and leave me feeling stupid?

Anyway, I’m really impressed by you.

9:32pm ME

thank you.

why?

9:32pm BOY

All the things you do, and the deft way you can face new career opportunities.

I am always afraid of moving.

You do it like its life.

9:32pm ME

and im always afraid of staying

i hear you, but its not all positive, my moving around

a lot of it is running

9:33pm BOY

I have been facing the prospect of staying/moving I MUST move.

9:33pm ME

im the flight half of fight or..

9:33pm BOY

Tell me…

9:33pm ME

where are you now?

9:33pm BOY

Home.

9:34pm ME

yes, but YOURS or parents?

9:34pm BOY

Mine.

9:34pm ME

ok, your still ok

youre

9:34pm BOY

OK

My next step is… america? toronto? advertising creativity…

I have to move to survive.

9:35pm ME

emotionally or job-wise?

9:35pm BOY

Job-wise.

Defined by job. you can relate i think?

9:35pm ME

sadly no

i have never worn a job so closely

i sort of envy that

but i understand

where do you want to be and who will take you and where do those overlap?

and voila! thats where you go..

9:37pm BOY

phone #?

9:38pm ME

XXX XXX XXX (I gave it to him)

Then he calls and we proceed to have the most awkward conversation. No, not awkward, heart-wrenching. He is so lost. If it didn’t come through in the typing it came through in his voice. There was nothing to do but laugh when I knew he needed me to, and congratulate him when the story warranted… He has let himself go way down the emotional rabbit hole, and sadly I am now too far removed to do anything of value. At one point he started getting inadvertently insulting. Like the guy who only says seriously inappropriate things when he is super drunk, but honestly fancies himself a good guy and doesn’t even see it… He told me he thought I would have said yes on our last ‘date’ because he had a good job at that point (??!!). Stuff like that that made me wonder if he was just saying it because he was drunk to sound funny or because he actually though that…

We skirted around the fact that he has a drinking problem. Thatwas awful. Its the only time (that I can recall) that I felt like a grown-up dealing with a grown-up issues in real time. I felt like I was in an after-school special and I feel like maybe I read the wrong script. I let it go.  Was that right? I dunno… I’m constantly being told that I can’t save everyone… Maybe its true. That makes me sad. Whats the point in knowing things and seeing things if you can’t help?

At the end of the day I was happy for his apology for mistreatment and nonchalance when we were teenagers that he offered up during the call. Also nice to hear him say “thank you” for how I was with him in high school; he said I was ‘huminizing’. Anyway, I guess all told it was an odd and slightly uncomfortable interaction but one that, at the very least reminded me the being kind is worth it. You really never can tell how much of a difference it can make in that moment and years in the future.