Realization

Today was not a great day. As you may have noticed, my week has been full of active and thin on sleep. Also, (and perhaps not apparent on the blog) not without emotional turmoil. Today I had a ful day of yoga training and I was exhausted before I even got into the studio.

I tried though, I did. Until a little after lunch I was present and (relatively) focused, but then after lunch I crashed physically, and was then no longer capable of holding my shit together emotionally and out of nowhere burst into tears. Luckily I managed to leave the room first.

The biggest trigger was that I realized that if I ever have children (this if alone is enough of a weight on my ovaries shoulders), that they will likely not have grandparents who are capable of interacting with them on any real level. My parents are now just shy of 66. If I have kids it wouldn’t be for at least another 3 years. By the time my first child will be old enough to truly interact with their grandparents, my parents will be 72 years old. Just typing that triggers tears from me. I see my mother with my nephews and they have such a strong bond. I know how much my maternal grandmother means to me and it makes me deeply sad that in all likelihood my children will not have anything close to the same relationships with either of my parents. Plus, on a selfish level, I will not have access to the support my brother has which is astronomical.

So anyway, this was just one of the many thoughts that swirled in my head this week and came to a volcanic explosion this afternoon. I’m feeling marginally better now but I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be toting the residual ickiness around with me for a while… To bad too ’cause I met an interesting, attractive man tonight and I left early because I felt like Eeyore.

 

In other news, this blog made me laugh: http://notesfromtheboss.wordpress.com