Dreamt I couldnt breathe (April 12)

Or rather, I couldn’t breath and that got incorporated into my dream. I was at work only we worked in the Middle East; somewhere desert-y and hot. Lots of sand. The building we worked in was a cross between my mother’s house and one of those buildings made from Jerusalem stone, carved roughly from big blocks. The layout in the office was ours exactly at work. My friend knocked on my window and I opened it, said hi and told her me boss was there and that I had to go. Then I told my boss that my friend said hi. For the record, this ‘friend’ is no one I can place in real life.

Then I was in disguise as a woman, which is weird because I ama women. But I got over-dressed the way men do when playing women; only it was in traditional middle-eastern garb; long flowing cotton dresses and headscarves all in bright colours. I was escaping to beyond the walls (whatever that meant). I don’t know why I had to escape but I had to. My father was waiting for me in a jeep on the other side. I was with someone mentally, as in we were two people escaping, but I never saw them or interacted with them, I just knew they were there and recall being concerned that either of us would get caught. We were running, darting back and forth and then i hear or feel someone behind me and I turn around and there is a man with a semi-automatic staring down at me (I’m crouched with my back against an outside corner wall) and he is about to shoot me and sand is blowing and I’m choking on sand and tears and fear and I cant breath and I wake up with my blanket covering my face…

Holy Empowerment Batman!

This evening I attended a fundraising event for the last organization I worked for. You might recall that I quit that job and was all to happy to never see the CEO again. Of course I *did* see him again at an employees wedding. The CEO tried to make small talk and I was as polite as Emily Post could have asked me to be. Certainly no nicer to be sure. but civil and appropriate. I thought that was that. Then I heard that CEO told the entire table at said wedding that he had fired me. How this A) even came up and B) could EVER be construed as appropriate behaviour (even assuming it wasn’t a humongous lie) is beyond me and anyone I have spoken to about it. Flash-forward to this evenings soiree where I showed up in fairly good spirits, excited about seeing former co-workers who, it must be said, I have the utmost respect and in some cases affection for. I was warmed and relieved to have been received so graciously; running up, big smiles, authentic hugs – all very nice. CEO kept eyeing me and in his (typical) paranoid state* seemed worried about what I and his current staff must be bantering so easily about. Anyway, about an hour after I arrived he came up to me and sort of tickled my shoulder by way of greeting. When I turned to face him he made a somewhat awkward move to hug me. I didn’t move. He extended his hand for a shake; I didn’t move. He flashed his signature smile** and I just stood there. The rest of teh exchange went a little something like so:

CEO: What? no hug?

Me: I have no desire to hug you.

CEO: Oh. (pause) I thought after the wedding we were OK, that everything was history…

Me: We are history…   (a tad dramatic know, but when does a girl get the chance to throw a line like that out there? I mean really!)

CEO: Come on, I though we moved past this, I thought we could be friendly at least.

Me: I was civil with you at the wedding and that’s all I had in me. We are not friends. I don’t respect you and I don’t like you and I have nothing to say to you. (I should have said that I don’t trust him either but I forgot)

CEO: (Semi-blank stare)  Well… whys that? (SERIOUSLY??!)

Me: You dont respect your staff and you don’t honour them. You are the helm of a phenomenal organization and I wish you well but you need to recognize that losing 3 of your best staff in under 6 weeks is an indication of a very significant problem.

CEO: No one is perfect. I am working on my stuff. i’m just interested in knowing whats going on in your life.

Me: I’m glad to hear it. It would be a shame if such wonderful went to waste, but I have no desire to talk to you about it.

CEO: And what are you up to these days?

Me: Thats none of your business.

CEO: If you really care about the organization why dont you come in and speak to me about your concerns?

Me: It would be my pleasure to come and speak with you and the chairs of the board.

 

This type pf back and forth, skirting issues and stonewalling, went on for what felt like 15 minutes but could not have been more then 5. I was so calm the whole time it was eerie. H|e looked frazzled. I have to say that I particularly enjoyed telling him that I had no respect for him etc. It was like a professional-life wet dream come true. Who wants to place bets that he never asks me for my input with his chairs? Anyone? AHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAAA!

* Remember that U2 quote “Its no secret that a liar never believes anyone else”? Sooooo apropos!

** It pains me to say this, but if you don’t know the asswipe behind the smile he does flash a rather inviting and affable megawatt grim.

Those we Love

Why is it so true that often times it is those we love the most that we wound so deeply? I haven’t heard his voice since mid-March. I have missed him; sometimes in a background, white-noise kind of way, other times like a limb. Two nights ago I woke up dry-sobbing after a dream I had about him.

I was at a party that was taking place outdoors. A giant backyard at a cottage or something. It was night, warm enough for the weather to be a non-issue. I was hanging out with X a mutual friend of ours since CEGEP. I kept asking X to tell me how This Guy (TG) was doing. No matter what he told me I wanted to know more. Details, specifics. As X spoke I could visualize TG perfectly. X told me TG’s story like a history, walking me through the years since I met TG. As he went through the years and phases I could see TG changing; hair longer, fashion trends fading in and out with the years. I knew TG was at the party but I also knew I could not see him. I was simply an impossibility. No matter how much X told me I wanted more, I was almost crazed. As he spoke I started sobbing; chest wrenching sobs that changed my breathing. So much so that I woke myself up. There were no tears but my stomach and chest felt as sick as they would have had I actually been crying. Only once awake did I cry for real…

In mid-March he had asked me to not contact him anymore. He said seeing me or being in touch would be too difficult, make it impossible to move on. I complied with his wishes. I missed him but understood. Who among us hasn’t felt that way? I caved and sent him a FB message a few months ago. It was a 3 e-mail back-and-forth that left off with me saying that if & when he wanted to I would be happy to hear from him. I never said what I really felt (mainly that I thought of him often and loved him and missed him) because I figured it would make things harder. I swore  wouldn’t run his emotions over the coals again but it seems, I am far too selfish for that. After that dream I had to check in. I believe that dreams are often the universe trying to tell us something and to be honest I was and remain very happy for the cosmic opportunity.

I just got off the phone with him. It was the strangest mix of relief and trepidation and longing and guilt. What I wanted to say was “I love you, I miss you, all I want to do is hug you for a very very long time.: Instead I asked after his family, job etc. I asked him if he would see me. He said maybe. Then no, then yes. I feel equal parts thrilled and guilty. I long to see him again but loathe the idea that his seeing me will leave him hurt. I don’t want to be selfish but I don’t have the energy (or real will) to be a martyr. My heart hurts and I’m crying and as it has been so many times before in my life, the one person who can make it better is the only person I can not turn to.

And the Dreams Just Keep on Coming

Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant, 9 months. I was in the hospital but it wasn’t really a hospital, at any rate, there I was with belly only 4 months big but knowing it was 9 months and I couldn’t give birth. No contractions, no pain – nothing. And then I was worried because I was afraid maybe the baby was dead. And the room was filled with people I know. No one I particularly like though, friends of my mother, old acquaintances from grade school and camp. I wanted them out but it was easier said then done…

My layman’s assessment is that I feel like I can’t ‘perform’ or ‘create’ and that I am scared that even my potential for doing so is dwindling. I think the crowd represents people I feel the need to impress (ie: not me immediate friends or family)

Any thoughts? New insights?

A Trio of Dreams

I have been remembering my dreams very vividly recently. I have been lazy and did not write them down right away but ill try to record them here before they are gone from memory forever. I already know the details have gone.

One:

With an old friend of mine (male). location unimportant though i think we were indoors at a gathering because we were saying good by and i distinctly remember that we were not alone. I assume we were leaving a friends party or something, though i think it was daytime. we were hugging goodbye and kissing on the cheeks from close in. then i just sort of said as if in revelation or matter-of-fact “I love you” into the said of his head. He remained there hugging me and said “Why didn’t you say so sooner?” and then we kissed. The End

 

Two:

Way more detail in this one that is surely going to be missed and warped, but I’ll try for accuracy as much as possible. I am on the path that leads into my summer camp. Its night and the sky is filled with stars, clearer and shinier for the extreme darkness. I feel safe. Then I am up against a tree, X in front of me. We are about to have sex and we are without a condom. I agree to it (shockingly as in real life I would never) as he promises to pull out well in advance. Then it flashes to the two of us at a family gathering (mine, not his) and we are speaking of something of some import obviously as we are both quite passionate and fiercely attached to our personal points of view. The I say something and he replies with a retort that is more about my voice and tone (to the effect of it being childish, whiny or something equally irrelevant and demeaning), I proceed to tell him that i think that was an unfair and unwarranted shot and we get into this fight and both sort of huff off. I was embarrassed b/c my family was in the vicinity (though not an audience in any way). Then I was sad and then angry that we had just slept together and had so suddenly fractured. I know there is a third part to this dream but I am drawing a blank…

Three:

Last night I dreamt that the big toe of my left foot was sliced into 1/3 and 2/3 pieces. there was no blood and no pain but i was certainly concerned, but mainly i reacted in that way I get when my hypochondria is full-blown. quietly paniced but sort of aware that i might be making too much of a big deal out of it. Also another of my other toes was sliced as well. I actually hadn’t noticed that my big toe was in two pieces as i thought the inside half was just my second toe but then i counted my toes and realized i had 7 so i looked closer and only then noticed the split. Just as I was thinking about what i should do about it, i woke up.

 

Boy oh boy, just typing that makes me realize how fucked those are… yikes!

I Woke Up Gasping for Air

 

**NB: This happened Wednesday morning but the internet wasnt working so its getting posted tonight

Or rather, I couldn’t breath and that got incorporated into my dream. I was at work only we worked in the Middle East; somewhere deserty and hot. Lots of sand. The building we worked in was a cross between my mother’s house and one of those buildings made from Jerusalem stone, carved roughly from big blocks. The layout in the office was ours exactly at work. I was laughing and having a really good time. with my bosses. My friend knocked on my window and I opened it, said hi and told her me boss was there and that I had to go. Then I told my boss my friend said hi. For the record, this ‘friend’ is no one I can place in real life.

Then I was in disguise as a woman, which is weird because I am a women. But I got over-dressed the way men do when playing women; only it was in traditional middle-eastern garb; long flowing cotton dresses and headscarves all in bright colours. I was escaping to beyond the walls (whatever that meant). I don’t know why I had to escape but I had to. My father was waiting for me in a jeep on the other side. I was with someone mentally, as in we were two people escaping, but I never saw them or interacted with them, I just knew they were there and recall being concerned that either of us would get caught. We were running, darting, hiding. We came up to a wall and there was a cardigan buttoned to it. (Thinking about this now I have no idea how that could actually work but…)

Then someone who was chasing us was getting close and |I unbuttoned the sweater and used it as a sling-shot to bounce him away from me. From here it gets foggy but one of the scarves that was wrapped around my head must of got caught on something and pulled because I started gasping for air and ripping at the material around my neck.

Then I woke up. Phew.

Any insight into what this might mean is very welcome…

When I Woke Up

this morning I had for the first time in a long time, a very vivid recollection of my dream.

I dreamt I was living in a dorm that was more like an apartment building. I had two guys living next to me who were supposed to house this guy for the night who was coming from overseas for a work-study program. This new guy had a place set up for him but it wouldn’t be ready until the next day so the school had arranged for him to couch-surf next-door.

He rang my doorbell when my neighbours failed to answer. I called the school to tell them he was with me instead and as I was on the phone he reached out and traced a line down the curve of my breast with the tip of his finger. That’s it. Just looked at me, did that and then removed his hand. It was very odd and very exciting. Then we got ready for bed. I thought about giving him the futon (which I remember vividly as being covered in butter-yellow sheets with white and yellow gingham pillow covers) but then just told him to hop into my bed. Like an edited movie (though through no intention of my own I assure you) we now skip to me awake in my bed, in real life this morning. There is no lingering excitement or arousal. I can not see a face for my guest-star last night and have no sense of who he might have been. What I did wake up with, that is still with me now, is a deep and pronounced longing to wake up naked next to someone. Its funny, I used to dread it, and now all I want is ‘the morning after the night before’.

*sigh*

Off to work…