HM: The Thaw

The air today has me walking taller. Despite my physical exhaustion, i am filled with a zingy energy and an optimism I am hesitant to try to explain (gift horse’s mouth and whatnot).

And as it is every year, I find that as the world thaws around me, I find myself thawing as well. My thoughts are looser, my limbs are looser and my protective layering comes off with my coat. I feel just a little more open to grace and the possibility that it will in fact find me.

On a less deep note, I nearly bordered on rude by laughing out loud at the full -grown man on my bus en route home today. Black puffy jacket zipped up tight, arms crossed and locked high on his chest. His body was slipped a third of the way down the back of his seat like a teenager. His eye brows were slightly knitted and the piece de resistance: a pout that would only look right on a 6 year old. The whole combination was so absurd I couldn’t help but smile. Poor guy, I hope some one gives him a hug.

HM: Rollin’ with the Homies

Girlie shopping road-trip across the border.

Purple purse: 21 dollars

Office cloths: 85 dollars

Pharmacy: 24 dollars

Four white Jewish girls singing along to Ike & Tina Turner while roadtrippin’ : PRICELESS.

HM: Easy

I am sitting at someone else’s kitchen table. I am typing on someone else’s lap top and I am looking out of someone else’s 23rd story window at a view of the city that increasingly becomes ‘mine’. Its a funny thing how by letting myself go I have slowly started to reign myself in. Piece by piece I have started to assemble a life for myself here. It feels… good.

The HM for the day is, quite frankly the day. Its been slow and easy and replete with home made breaky, some reading and art. Its rainy out which only adds to the feeling that I am cocooning and involved in a sort of harmless but deliciously private conspiracy.

HM: rainforest

Yesterday’s HM happened in yoga class. I was laying in shivanasana. The lights were dimmed and all around me was the sound of people breathing. The wind was blowing hard outside and between the sweat dripping, the clicks of tongues on the roofs of mouths, the sighing, the wind and the gentle slapping of feet on hard wood as the first people left, the whole room, from behind my closed eyes sounded like what I hear when I lay awake inside a tent at night. It was beautiful.

Today’s HM is laughing with a new friend and finding out that not everyone here is surface.

 

I realize these are badly written but for now its about the act of remembering to write. The art will come later. Sorry y’all.

HM: Relating

We all think we are pretty special and unique. Its OK to think this way, its what saves us from being taken advantage of, giving up and allows us to hold out for a better job/bill of health/relationship/whatever. Thinking we are special is common, even though few of us will admit it.

The thing is, thinking this isn’t always helpful –  like when you feel alone or sad or insecure. Feeling like you are the only one to have ever felt this way since the  beginning of time can be pretty scary. This is why I was so happy to re-discover Tales of Mere Existence (http://www.ingredientx.com) The artist’s art is simple, as are his thoughts. What makes it so unbelievably great is how bang-on he is with his story tellingand how it resonates so fully.

There are clips that are funny, clips that are depressing and everything in between, but this site gets my HM for the day because it is impossible to feel alone after watching them. I think he’s a genius.

HM: Connecting

Today I was inspired to journal my HMs again. Thank you JsZ.

As I was explaining the ‘why’ of the process og tracking my HMs, it dawned on me that maybe I could use a solid dose of positivity in my life. So here it is, my HM for the day – its about connecting.

Since moving here I have often  been heard bemoaning the lack of personal connection. I have found people guarded and disinclined to accept a friendly advance, let alone offer one. Today though I ventured into a tea shop that I had been in about 6 weeks earlier and the same woman was there. I recognized her and reminded her that we had discussed a book but that I couldn’t recall which one. Her face lit up and she nearly shrieked “Yes! The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!” We both sort of lit up and shared a really nice moment of connecting in a sea of commerce and general impersonality. We talked about the plot twists and discussed whether or not the ending worked for us. It was a brief but affirming moment.

Other HMs of the day include several hours in the (connecting) company of an intelligent, creative (and it needs to be said embarrassingly generous) man and walks in the chilly sunshine.

Holy Empowerment Batman!

This evening I attended a fundraising event for the last organization I worked for. You might recall that I quit that job and was all to happy to never see the CEO again. Of course I *did* see him again at an employees wedding. The CEO tried to make small talk and I was as polite as Emily Post could have asked me to be. Certainly no nicer to be sure. but civil and appropriate. I thought that was that. Then I heard that CEO told the entire table at said wedding that he had fired me. How this A) even came up and B) could EVER be construed as appropriate behaviour (even assuming it wasn’t a humongous lie) is beyond me and anyone I have spoken to about it. Flash-forward to this evenings soiree where I showed up in fairly good spirits, excited about seeing former co-workers who, it must be said, I have the utmost respect and in some cases affection for. I was warmed and relieved to have been received so graciously; running up, big smiles, authentic hugs – all very nice. CEO kept eyeing me and in his (typical) paranoid state* seemed worried about what I and his current staff must be bantering so easily about. Anyway, about an hour after I arrived he came up to me and sort of tickled my shoulder by way of greeting. When I turned to face him he made a somewhat awkward move to hug me. I didn’t move. He extended his hand for a shake; I didn’t move. He flashed his signature smile** and I just stood there. The rest of teh exchange went a little something like so:

CEO: What? no hug?

Me: I have no desire to hug you.

CEO: Oh. (pause) I thought after the wedding we were OK, that everything was history…

Me: We are history…   (a tad dramatic know, but when does a girl get the chance to throw a line like that out there? I mean really!)

CEO: Come on, I though we moved past this, I thought we could be friendly at least.

Me: I was civil with you at the wedding and that’s all I had in me. We are not friends. I don’t respect you and I don’t like you and I have nothing to say to you. (I should have said that I don’t trust him either but I forgot)

CEO: (Semi-blank stare)  Well… whys that? (SERIOUSLY??!)

Me: You dont respect your staff and you don’t honour them. You are the helm of a phenomenal organization and I wish you well but you need to recognize that losing 3 of your best staff in under 6 weeks is an indication of a very significant problem.

CEO: No one is perfect. I am working on my stuff. i’m just interested in knowing whats going on in your life.

Me: I’m glad to hear it. It would be a shame if such wonderful went to waste, but I have no desire to talk to you about it.

CEO: And what are you up to these days?

Me: Thats none of your business.

CEO: If you really care about the organization why dont you come in and speak to me about your concerns?

Me: It would be my pleasure to come and speak with you and the chairs of the board.

 

This type pf back and forth, skirting issues and stonewalling, went on for what felt like 15 minutes but could not have been more then 5. I was so calm the whole time it was eerie. H|e looked frazzled. I have to say that I particularly enjoyed telling him that I had no respect for him etc. It was like a professional-life wet dream come true. Who wants to place bets that he never asks me for my input with his chairs? Anyone? AHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAAA!

* Remember that U2 quote “Its no secret that a liar never believes anyone else”? Sooooo apropos!

** It pains me to say this, but if you don’t know the asswipe behind the smile he does flash a rather inviting and affable megawatt grim.

This Just In!

So, this amazing thougt just occured to me, and like most amazing thoughts it is less the idea itself but the amazing fact that I have never seen the big-picture quite so clearly or as meaningfully. The thought is this:

I have never done this before.

Simple yes, but overwhelmingly important. Every day that I wake up I face a new day. Its the newest day in the history of the world. The most recent time and place knowable to the human race, and no one on the planet knows it more or less intimately then I do. I have carte blanche and not having experience has little bearing because no one has had any.

I am enthralled with this thought because it paves the way for me to do other new things. For every time I say no to something either in word or in act on the basis that ‘I haven’t done it before’ I will make an effort to remember that ‘I haven’t done this before’ also applies to every single day of my life.

This basic and on-the-surface unassuming, notion has literally just shifted my outlook. Nifty.

On the Road Again

Heading back to Mtl before jumping in a car with my mum (brother, sister-in-law and nephew to follow) on Saturday to drive down to Boston for a day and then on to Cape Cod to meet up with some of my absolute favourite family. I hardly ever get to spend time with them and I am very excited. The only potential hiccup in the plan is the 8 hours in a car with mum. Wish me luck.

I am looking forward to visiting the MFA Boston and to reading the three books I (potentially optimistically) brought with; Tom Robbins: Still Life with Woodpecker, Jean Cocteau: Enfants Terribles and Antia Shrieve: ?? (its packed, looked OK)

HM: If This Doesn’t Make You Smile…

then I just don’t know what might. Happy Tuesday!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY&feature=user