Procrastination

I duz it.

 

Today, as planned:

wake up at a descent hour and get in a solid 2 hours in order to wrap the deliverable I have due Tuesday

head to the cafe for an hour to unwind and read

go see my bro, SIL & nephews and do a little more work there

 

Today, as unfolded:

wake up at a decent hour and lose 2 hours listening to the radio and playing on-line scrabble

walk to the cafe fora coffee and a quick read

go see my bro, SIL, & nephews and get no work done there (but manage to download a movie on their wireless connection)

 

So, according to my math skills, today breaks down like so:

Family: 1    Work: 0

and tomorrow like so:

Panic: 1 Piece of Mind: 0

 

And, with that dear reader, I am off to work watch a movie.

7:58 and lose ends

I’ve been waking up at exactly 7:58 AM for the last few days. Its doesn’t matter when I go to sleep of what I need to do the next morning. Its weird.

In other news yoga kicked me square in the lulus today. Felt great to work and sweat that hard. Also, slowly getting my yojo back after the disheartening episode at Sunday’s training and I;m back to believing that I may be able to teach a class after all.

Oh, and I was sent an email from the editor (see Saturday night’s post) saying (finally) that she can use the article without my name and that I should send her an invoice. I’ll believe its over when I cash the cheque but at least I can let it go now. Very pleased about that.  zzzzzz

 

Life Lesson $80.00

Maybe its my tendency to see more silver lining than cloud, or perhaps its the yoga training. Regardless I seem to have put a positive spin on what has been a rather maddening situation that has been unfurling these last few days.
Long story made relatively less long is this:
I was asked to submit a proposal for a feature article for a local mag
I do so. Detailed and complete with the fact that I had already attained permission to visit the organization I’d be writing about and to interview the founder/ED, the staff and even those who benefit from their services. I also provided guarantee of photos.
I’m told CONGRATULATIONS! We love it! The feature is yours! Lets talk details Monday.
Monday late afternoon the editor calls me and tells me I’ll be paid 80 dollars (WTF?! are you kidding?!) and that she wants final copy by Friday. (s’cuse me?)

I say “No” pointing out that the interviews alone will take me 2-3 hours. The editor says “What interviews? Just grab info from their website and rewrite it”. (*crickets*)

I say (because I am new to this and willing to roleplay as a doormat apparently) “Fine”

I put in two hours and then, because I realize that I can not do this with even an ounce of self-respect without talking to the org, chat with them by phone for about 30 min. I then spend another hour rewriting to include this new info.

[For those keeping score I'm now clocked at 3.5 hours, not including the emails and calls with the editor or my proposal.]

I am told to send it to the org for ‘approval’  (WTF squared). I do so Wednesday by 9:30. I send a copy to the editor as well.  The org sends it back on Thursday afternoon with that would make anyone with any journalistic integrity’s head spin. I decide to pick my battles and make the changes because while completely over the top and aggrandizing, they are not technically inaccurate and because at this point I had decided not to have my name published with the piece anyway and because I just wanted this all to go away.I dont hear from the editor till 11:30 Friday morning at wich point I get an email saying she can’t publish the piece because it needs editing. The editor writes this. The EDITOR. (sigh) OK. I write back asking for some clarification: length? content? font? i.e.: what the hell do you mean by ‘editing’. It’s now noon and on Monday she gave me a Friday 3 PM deadline.

I get an email back saying some of my sentences are run-ons and that my grammar is bad in spots. Hm. OK. I look it over. Yes, some sentences are long but they are properly written. At this point its a matter of stylistic choices and other than that I don’t see anything.

At this point I should point out that I have other clients. meetings. shit to do. I literally can not, (and quite frankly don’t want to) deal with this right now.

So now her I am on Saturday night and I have now spent an additional 30 minutes rewriting for the org and reviewing again for the editor for a grand total of 4 hours,of work,  5 if I count back and forth emails, calls and proposal writing. After speaking with my dad (a stand-up guy and former journalist) I decided that it’s not worth my stress. I did a final quick look over and sent it back to the editor with a brief email explaining that as the EDITOR I trusted her opinion and that she has permission to make any changes she feels necessary, including coming up with a new title (she scrapped 3 of mine).

I also told her not to associate my name with the piece and to kindly forward the $80.00 to my address.

I will sleep well tonight.

 

Oh? And the lesson? Over estimate my time and my value. Also, if my gut says “No”, LISTEN.

 

 

 

Spring

I know, it’s a bit early for that, but there is something in the air. Imperceptible to most, imperceptible to me even, but I know based on how I feel and my general outlook that there is something afoot, or awind that smacks of spring.
Every year my step get springier and my heart lighter. My outlook becomes rosier and my desire to do and accomplish more.
This has started to manifest this week. I have been approached by a few new and interesting sources about work. I’ve been approached by new and interesting men about dating. I’ve been gifted or loaned new and interesting books and I am being consulted by people who trust me about new and interesting projects for which they would like my input. In short (too late?) life seem to be on the upswing.

In other news: Tomorrow I’m going to line up to see a live taping of Q Jian Ghomeschi. Nerdgasm!

Have Skills, Will Starve.

I’m skilled, I am. I good at what I do and I like doing it (most days) but I just can’t seem to rally enough hours of work to make a living. I have some savings I can dip into, but as one who was raised for many years just shy of the poverty line (outward appearances notwithstanding), I hate the idea of eating into my padding. This leaves me with the imminent reality of a cafe job in the very very near future. I don’t mind it so much but I’m frustrated that when I leaped into my new adventure (read: freelancing & yoga teacher training) after a few years of being very comfortable but unhappy, that somehow the universe didn’t decide that it was gonna acknowledge and reward my bravery with a bit of a better paved road.

OK, pity party over. And out.

ZZZ

Uninspired

Despite the fact that I applied for a job, had dinner with friends, help a friend out with some issues, watched 2 episodes of Mad Men and was given another small piece of work from a client, I still feel like I didn’t do anything today. I feel myself toeing the edge of a depressive episode and I am fighting mightily against it. Its hard but I know that it only gets harder the longer I wait to make things right, and so tomorrow I vow to bill at least 3 hours, clean my kitchen and go to a yoga class.

*nod*

Outside View (HM)

My sister (13 years my junior) came over on new years day to join a friend and I as we tried to lay waste to the obscene amount of extra cheese, pate and other party foods I had left over from my holiday party. It was a low key evening that included tea, a movie and a boardgame. Nothing special, but cozy.
Today, my father told me that when he picked her up that night, she told him that she thought I had a pretty great life.
Simple right?
No.
Why?
Because this time last year I was so depressed that I didn’t trust myself on subway platforms. Because I have interviewed for, accepted and quit more jobs in my life to date than most people will in a lifetime and am now freelancing and studying yoga. (a lifestyle that is a far cry from the high-paying, health insured, office life I was living last year). Because only now, closer to 32 than 31, am I starting to even consider the fact that I may have a hunch of what a happy life looks like for me. I haven’t attained it mind you, but I now think I know what I’m aiming for.
Anyhow, my point is that sometimes we don’t or can’t see the forest for the trees, and I know that for myself, I often get so bogged down in fretting about the minutiae of the mundane that I forget that I’ve actually come a long way, thank you very much.
So today’s HM is the perspective I got from an off the cuff, second hand comment. As the Dead said, “sometimes we are shown the light in the strangest of places if we look at it right.”

Leaving Toronto

I am leaving Toronto. I have given notice on my life as it is; job, boyfriend, apartment.

I feel light and airy and free and happy for the first time in months. Also, I am scared shitless. I am 30 years old and I will, in 6 weeks, be unemployed. In 6 weeks I will be living with my mother and in 6 weeks I will have nowhere to be on a Monday morning, for the first time in many years (barring minor gaps in employment that I was then desperate to rectify).

I dislike Toronto. It’s not for lack of trying though. 3 jobs and 2 serious relationships later however, I fear I might have listened to my gut years ago instead of learning the hard way that THE GUT IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Ah well, lesson learned.

I expect I will miss little about the job other than the paycheck and while he is a decent and sensitive guy, I doubt I will miss my ex in the everyday sense(things end for a reason). I forsee missing my apartment though. For such a wanderluster it’s always caught me off guard how much I identify with and am comforted by ‘my space’. It’s cozy and has a great view and despite my not liking the city in general, holds some funny/sexy/sentimental/important moments. The independence that living solo affords will too be missed, no doubt.

I will also miss my friends. Its taken my 2 years to get to this small but powerful knot of peeps that I am so grateful to call my own. Some seriously intently intelligent, funny and supportive ladies and gents. We like to think the bonds we form are impervious to distance, but history has taught me otherwise. I will make an effort though to keep them close. I will in particular miss my new friend from down the hall. In the past 8 weeks she has become like a sister and I love her dearly. I expect to miss her more than anything. In her I feel I have found someone I was destined to meet. It seems the universe gives me what I need just as I am leaving. This last thought about timing also applies to a man I have recently met. Only a week into knowing him and I feel sad already to leave. He is kind and bright and optimistic and when he touches me I know there is nowhere else he’s rather be. I guess I’ll accept this as Toronto’s parting gift to me and be gracious about it instead of harbouring the mild frustration I feel now.

Other things about Toronto that I will miss:

Fresh & both markets (St Lawrence & Kensington), …. umm, wow – thats it I think…

Oh wait, I will also miss ragging on the Leafs fans.

Holy Empowerment Batman!

This evening I attended a fundraising event for the last organization I worked for. You might recall that I quit that job and was all to happy to never see the CEO again. Of course I *did* see him again at an employees wedding. The CEO tried to make small talk and I was as polite as Emily Post could have asked me to be. Certainly no nicer to be sure. but civil and appropriate. I thought that was that. Then I heard that CEO told the entire table at said wedding that he had fired me. How this A) even came up and B) could EVER be construed as appropriate behaviour (even assuming it wasn’t a humongous lie) is beyond me and anyone I have spoken to about it. Flash-forward to this evenings soiree where I showed up in fairly good spirits, excited about seeing former co-workers who, it must be said, I have the utmost respect and in some cases affection for. I was warmed and relieved to have been received so graciously; running up, big smiles, authentic hugs – all very nice. CEO kept eyeing me and in his (typical) paranoid state* seemed worried about what I and his current staff must be bantering so easily about. Anyway, about an hour after I arrived he came up to me and sort of tickled my shoulder by way of greeting. When I turned to face him he made a somewhat awkward move to hug me. I didn’t move. He extended his hand for a shake; I didn’t move. He flashed his signature smile** and I just stood there. The rest of teh exchange went a little something like so:

CEO: What? no hug?

Me: I have no desire to hug you.

CEO: Oh. (pause) I thought after the wedding we were OK, that everything was history…

Me: We are history…   (a tad dramatic know, but when does a girl get the chance to throw a line like that out there? I mean really!)

CEO: Come on, I though we moved past this, I thought we could be friendly at least.

Me: I was civil with you at the wedding and that’s all I had in me. We are not friends. I don’t respect you and I don’t like you and I have nothing to say to you. (I should have said that I don’t trust him either but I forgot)

CEO: (Semi-blank stare)  Well… whys that? (SERIOUSLY??!)

Me: You dont respect your staff and you don’t honour them. You are the helm of a phenomenal organization and I wish you well but you need to recognize that losing 3 of your best staff in under 6 weeks is an indication of a very significant problem.

CEO: No one is perfect. I am working on my stuff. i’m just interested in knowing whats going on in your life.

Me: I’m glad to hear it. It would be a shame if such wonderful went to waste, but I have no desire to talk to you about it.

CEO: And what are you up to these days?

Me: Thats none of your business.

CEO: If you really care about the organization why dont you come in and speak to me about your concerns?

Me: It would be my pleasure to come and speak with you and the chairs of the board.

 

This type pf back and forth, skirting issues and stonewalling, went on for what felt like 15 minutes but could not have been more then 5. I was so calm the whole time it was eerie. H|e looked frazzled. I have to say that I particularly enjoyed telling him that I had no respect for him etc. It was like a professional-life wet dream come true. Who wants to place bets that he never asks me for my input with his chairs? Anyone? AHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAAA!

* Remember that U2 quote “Its no secret that a liar never believes anyone else”? Sooooo apropos!

** It pains me to say this, but if you don’t know the asswipe behind the smile he does flash a rather inviting and affable megawatt grim.

Toronto Job (take II)

I got one. And I know I have said this before but I truly think this is ‘it’. Its dynamic, the projects I will be working on are diverse and all interesting to me in one way or another, there is an opportunity for travel, my bosses are strong, focused women and my immediate supervisor is all about mentorship and has, from what I can tell a kind soul. I start Wednesday and will post again once I have a better sense of my day-to-day.

In other “I’m-slowly-becoming-an-adult” news I now have plants. This may seem insignificant to some but for someone who moves around as much as I do, committing to take care of living things is meaningful. Its my way of admitting (embracing?) some form of permanence.  It feels good and every time I look at my rubber plant and peace lily (I think these are fitting plants in ‘personality’ and name respectively) I get a nice sort of settled feeling.

Also going on a date tonight with someone I have been set up with by and aunt of mine. I think she is great and this guy is her best friend’s son so I figure at the very least he will share some of the more general traits with my aunt (culture, intellect etc) and won’t leave me standing alone in the rain tonight.  Always the optimist!

Thems the updates. No doubt I`ll be posting with more frequency now that my bout of unemployed depression is lifting.

A tout a l`heur