fear and loathing

I am shaken. I have stopped crying now, but only because, being on the subway I didn’t really allow myself to start. I was sitting at the far bench near the conductor’s box when two guys came crashing through the doors that divided the cars. They were laughing and yelling and right away my spidey-sense started tingling. They were about 20 years old. I had Mipod on but could still hear them yelling about some fag they were sitting next to and how fucking lame he is and how gays are disgusting etc etc. This is why they ran to our car, to escape sitting next to him. No one around me said a word. Now maybe I shouldn’t have, but I did. I had to – for so many reasons. I told him with a smile that if it was any consolation, that he probably wasn’t this guys type. I was trying to hint nicely but apparently subtle wasn’t working cause dude smiled at me. He thought I was joking with him. I then continued to tell him that I thought he sounded like a jackass and how while  sure he is a pretty decent guy in general that his comments were pretty stupid and would he mind keeping them to himself. This was not received well. His response was, “wait wait wait, I have no problem with girls being lesbians, but gay guys are gross!”  I asked him if he had any idea how dumb that sounded. Apparently he did not. He asked me is I was a lesbian. I asked him how he could possibly think that was any of his business. He made some asinine comment and I told him again that I was sure he was a swell guy but that gay people were just like the rest of the world and that he comments we offensive and rude. He was angry now, he started moving toward me and raising his voice asking what the fuck business was it of mine and why the fuck was I sticking my damned nose in other people’s conversations. I told him that the second he started yelling so loud I could here him through my iPod was when. His friend who hadn’t said a thing the whole time knew buddy was getting angry (he was moving closer still) and got loudmouth to move down to the end of the car. This interaction took nearly 3 minutes. There were people everywhere. NO ONE SAID A FUCKING WORD. Lousy bunch of cowards. I’m not sure who I’m more angry with. The dumb-fuck loudmouth bigots or the presumably educated by standers.

I got off to switch lines and followed the nearest knot of people so I would be in a crowd. I ended up going to the wrong platform. I hadn’t seen them get off so I thought I was safe, but then there they were walking right towards me. Luckily there was a cop on patrol. I hung out with her and told her what was going on. She told me she would keep an eye on them as I made my way past them and up the escalator to the other side of the tracks.  I did that and waved to her from the safety of my car. Once the doors closed and we started pulling out of the station I allowed myself to get scared retroactively. I couldn’t help it. I started to well up. I was crying out of fear and anger. Fear for myself and for how stupid I had been to say anything and put myself in danger and angry because there is still so much blind baseless hate in the world and because I even thought about reprimanding myself for doing whats right. Also anger that no one else thought to, at the very least, offer to walk me out of the car. So as I am sitting there shaking, I start to tear. No one says anything but I can feel eyes on me. Opposite me are young girls. Two sets of two friends and a girl alone. The girl alone sits there respectfully actively not  looking at me and as she gets off hands me a tissue am gives me a sort of supportive smile. That made me cry more because I can’t recall when I hated the world and felt so protected by it in the same instant. I want to thank that girl for momentarily restoring my faith with a kleenex and a kind smile. I want to thank the female cop who let me hang out with her. I want to thank the lesser ass-hole for getting his buddy to move along and keep calm. To everyone else on the subway who stood idly by, I’d like to tell you to go fuck yourselves. Cowards.