So long ago its now fiction

You aren’t supposed to be here. You are supposed to be in Mexico, or at the very least Toronto. You sure as hell are not supposed to be here, on this island, in this city. And even if you came home early due to illness or under duress, there is no way the universe, my universe could have given you permission to wind up here in this bar. This is my carefree girls night out. I came to see a man who would bed be play music. I wanted that jolt of being the girl the guy on stage is singing to. I played it all right; I looked casually hot. I had styled my hair to say “I don’t care” and “aren’t I stylish” simultaneously (this you well know is for me, no small feat).

My belly was full and my step was light as I walked in. The hot air on my cold lenses made them fog on entrance and I immediately took off my glasses and started wiping them on my scarf. My thoughts were those of frustration. Annoyed as I always am that our human technology has come so far but not somehow far enough to overcome this irksome winter ritual.

This thought was my last before the room went away, before my heart spun circles and collapsed in a breathless, pounding heap at the bottom of my stomach. This was my last thought before I looked up and saw you.

I wanted to run. Toward you or away I could not tell so I split the difference and froze on the spot. I think I smiled. I can’t remember. I recall not-so-casually telling you that you were currently in Mexico. A silly thing to say to a man standing in a bar in Montreal. I then prayed to all the gods, goddesses, effigies and saints for someone to interrupt us. I needed an out. I needed to breath, cry, scream. I needed to be looking at anything except your eyes. your lips. Oh god your eyes!

I proceeded to spend the rest of the night speaking to your friend because making small-talk has never been our thing and all the talking that needed to be made between us was big.

An Awkward Choreography

I was chatted up on Facebook by a guy I was friends with in high school and maybe, CEGEP… I still count him as a friend despite my better judgement because he is just one of those people that I know are with me for life.

So he writes me out of the blue and starts talking about when we last saw each other (1.5 years ago). We went for sushi then out to listen to music at some hipster joint. He asked me back to his place for wine & cheese (you can break that code on your own I imagine, I know I did when he said it) and I said “no”. I said no despite having been infatuated with him on and off for years. He reminded me of his offer, my reaction and then said he knew why I said ‘no’. He guessed wrong and then I told him what I have been holding back since I was about 18. I told him something I don’t think have ever told anyone. I told him this:

 

           I said “no” because the last time we were together you told me you loved me and I said ‘”Tell me that when you are sober” and you swore up and down that it was true and that you had always felt that way and that you would happily say it again the next morning, and the next morning you remembered nothing, and then you left and didn’t call me for over three weeks… Thats why I said “no”.

Then we had the following exchange:

9:22pm BOY

That morning… when I walked along somerled…

enraptured, but with a world of uncertainty in my head. and feeling…

unsure

which was my always feeling

and I like to step back to that day and call you back

but I didn’t

but why

9:24pm ME

nice to know

because you wernt interested

9:24pm BOY

I wasn’t

At the time, I was very negative

9:25pm ME

or because i wasnt the girl you thought you wanted

9:26pm BOY

that is one part of my personality i still don’t understand

I KNOW how much I like you

but,,,

I have a blank spot

9:26pm ME

knowing isnt feeling

much to many people’s dismay one can not make up for the other

9:27pm BOY

I look at the girls I loved on facebook

with their cool lives and trips…

and feel left out.

Why don’t you call me back?

After I fuck you over?

I still ask that despite the obvious.

And feel alone.

But hey, i dont’ want to be morbid.\

9:29pm ME

there is no point looking back unless you plan on learning something

9:29pmA BOY

WE all had weird problems when we were younger.

I think being 31.

9:29pm ME

had? still have. me anyway

is today your birthday?

9:30pm BOY

September 14

Let me say something hollow sounding but true.

9:30pm ME

and dont worry about being morbid. its nice to have a real conversation

ok…

9:31pm BOY

OK agree… you won’t click off and leave me feeling stupid?

Anyway, I’m really impressed by you.

9:32pm ME

thank you.

why?

9:32pm BOY

All the things you do, and the deft way you can face new career opportunities.

I am always afraid of moving.

You do it like its life.

9:32pm ME

and im always afraid of staying

i hear you, but its not all positive, my moving around

a lot of it is running

9:33pm BOY

I have been facing the prospect of staying/moving I MUST move.

9:33pm ME

im the flight half of fight or..

9:33pm BOY

Tell me…

9:33pm ME

where are you now?

9:33pm BOY

Home.

9:34pm ME

yes, but YOURS or parents?

9:34pm BOY

Mine.

9:34pm ME

ok, your still ok

youre

9:34pm BOY

OK

My next step is… america? toronto? advertising creativity…

I have to move to survive.

9:35pm ME

emotionally or job-wise?

9:35pm BOY

Job-wise.

Defined by job. you can relate i think?

9:35pm ME

sadly no

i have never worn a job so closely

i sort of envy that

but i understand

where do you want to be and who will take you and where do those overlap?

and voila! thats where you go..

9:37pm BOY

phone #?

9:38pm ME

XXX XXX XXX (I gave it to him)

Then he calls and we proceed to have the most awkward conversation. No, not awkward, heart-wrenching. He is so lost. If it didn’t come through in the typing it came through in his voice. There was nothing to do but laugh when I knew he needed me to, and congratulate him when the story warranted… He has let himself go way down the emotional rabbit hole, and sadly I am now too far removed to do anything of value. At one point he started getting inadvertently insulting. Like the guy who only says seriously inappropriate things when he is super drunk, but honestly fancies himself a good guy and doesn’t even see it… He told me he thought I would have said yes on our last ‘date’ because he had a good job at that point (??!!). Stuff like that that made me wonder if he was just saying it because he was drunk to sound funny or because he actually though that…

We skirted around the fact that he has a drinking problem. Thatwas awful. Its the only time (that I can recall) that I felt like a grown-up dealing with a grown-up issues in real time. I felt like I was in an after-school special and I feel like maybe I read the wrong script. I let it go.  Was that right? I dunno… I’m constantly being told that I can’t save everyone… Maybe its true. That makes me sad. Whats the point in knowing things and seeing things if you can’t help?

At the end of the day I was happy for his apology for mistreatment and nonchalance when we were teenagers that he offered up during the call. Also nice to hear him say “thank you” for how I was with him in high school; he said I was ‘huminizing’. Anyway, I guess all told it was an odd and slightly uncomfortable interaction but one that, at the very least reminded me the being kind is worth it. You really never can tell how much of a difference it can make in that moment and years in the future.

i have not died

i’m coming. i’m busy and distracted but i’m coming. please hold *insert semi-decent hold music here*

And Back Again… Jazz Fest

I arrived in TO yesterday evening after spending 5 nights in my home town just to arrive at my TO cafe to be invited back to Mtl (I’ll be doing most of the driving) to see Dee Dee Bridgwater with the owner of this cafe (what is it about cafe owners!?)

If it costs me less than $100 I’m in. We would have to leave here in 45 minutes though… might be tight.

Leonard Cohen

Sang and spoke and the wetness of his tongue against his cheeks sounded out across the hall and I couldn’t help but think that if velvet had a sound… And what would a conversation  between him and Tom Waits sound like and if hearing him sing to thousands of people makes me teary how would I react to hearing him speak my name…

Also beautiful was his closing with a sung passage from the Book of Ruth

Sunday June 22 2008

I had a lovely day with my sister today. She is a soccer player (school and community teams) and today we went to see the Montreal Impact play.I loved it. Soccer is such a graceful sport. Its like ballet with a purpose. I like the open air and the grass and the energy and the civility with which it is played. There is something about sports with little gear that requires players to be somewhat more humane I guess. Mind you I ran into someone who plays rugby who looks like the losing end of a bar brawl so perhaps I am over romanticizing… At any rate I really enjoyed being out there and I am thinking of getting on to a field when I am back in TO and kicking a ball around a bit.

Also went for my first bike ride of the season yesterday. I being in TO and my bike being in Mtl I was long overdue. I am sunburnt but happy and am determined to get it back on the train with me.

Other fun fact of the day: Had a mini-concert on the patio of the cafe. Jean LeLoup was strumming away at his guitar with a buddy. Saw some unexpected friendly faces as well and felt reassured that I can leave but will never be gone from this place. What a very vey nice thought.

Arrived

I am here. I am exhausted but I am here. Currently thinking about notions of ‘home’, ‘community’, ‘family’ and the like. Far too bushed to write anything coherant now. Zzzz.

Playin’ Catch Up

I am woefully over due for a good post. Or quite frankly, any post at all.  Forgive me readers for I have sinned, how many paragraphs must I write?

This last week was hectic in that fervent way that lets you know you have a life to live and that this isn’t just some dress rehearsal. New job (week 2) is getting better in that I am starting to get the ‘big picture’ of what it is I need to be doing, how it should be done and where my work fits into the organization as a whole. This is very important for someone with my personality. I am forever asking “but why?” and to not have an answer is intellectual nails-on-a-chalk-board for me. The knowing helps me situate myself and that feels good.

Some HM highlights from the week are being told that my boss likes my writing style (as this is a huge part if my job this is a source of great relief), seeing my sister after 2 weeks: she puts the love in lovely, ’nuff said. Watching the Habs game at my TO Habs bar with the gang and flirting almost shamelessly with a friend of a friend in from out-of-town. I say ‘almost’ because truth is I dint have to do too much of the work. If I was any less of a lady… but alas, my mama raised me right. Flirting as fun-sport: I like! Other HM include becoming slowly addicted to Flight of the Conchords (watch it now) and picking up the keys to me new pad.

Whioch bring s me to this week-end. I am back in Mtl to load my stuff into a ViaRoute truck and drive it westward. My father is being good enough to drive me out as the truck has to be dropped back in Mtl. Two godo friedns who I consider myslef luck to have helped me shlep couch and table and mattress etc and I owe them BIG TIME. K & M (neither of whom read this mind you but still… ) You guys are awesome and I am so thankful. Oh! And while I need do work on breaking with more finesse, I am pleased to inform you that I drove the 20+ foot cube truck around town today. I like it! Only wish I had one of them nifty trucker horns. Oh, the fun I would have… 

The cap off for this omnibus post must be, without a doubt being invited to watch the 2nd game in the semi-finals at the Bell Centre. This was AMAZING for a number pf reasons. In no particular order:

We won.

The seats were outofthisworld good. (I am so spoiled sometimes I can’t even imagine).

I got to go with someone who makes it impossible for me not to smile. Often times in spite of myself.

Did I mention we won? In overtime?!

Fan? listen up: http://www.habsblog.ca/canadiens-news/feels-a-little-like-93/

Tomorrow I wake early and hop the 401 with papa. I hope the 6 hour drive doesn’t kill us. We love each other but are not the most compatible duo ever and I pray the CBC has solid programming lined up. On the other hand this could be a great opportunity to bond. Stay tuned.

Last but not least; next time I post it will most likely be from my new digs. I can not wait. My nesting nature is excited about making a house into a home. This is the third time I do this but the first time I do it solely for myself. I already know I make a good ‘wife’ and roommate, lets see how I fair on my own. I for one have no hesitations or concerns.

OK, bed time. G’night and GO HABS GO!

HM- Best in the East

The Habs game tonight was rad. Tired. More later. Also I like Jagger. And men in those first minutes when they come out of a good night’s sleep. And Montreal coffee. And good weather. Today was a keeper over-all.

Here

I am here and emotional and tired and while my head knows I am capable and supported, my heart can’t quite seem to get with the program. I’m running on very little sleep, either too much or not enough caffeine and to be honest an unhealthy amount of self-pity at the moment. This last one fades in and out though so I don’t pay it much attention. Also 5 hours on a train doesn’t do much for the soul, beautiful glowing pink sunset notwithstanding…

I’m weepy and feel like a putz for it because really I am a very lucky lady. Only good things are coming my way this spring (new job, new apt, new friends). I think I’m going to have that good solid cry that I have been meaning to get around to for the last week and go to bed. Yes, that sounds right. Cry and to bed!